Holding on
by roman fan
Summary: 'You're the one who wanted a baby!- Needed one! I was happy Ro! I had you! I had all the family I needed' Roman and Dean struggle to find common ground in the midst of a changing family set up following the arrival of their new born son. With Roman struggling to reach out to Dean and Dean fighting his own demons, can they find a way back to each other? Ambreigns. AU.


**Holding on.**

 _ **Hope**_

Roman cradles the little man in his arms. His eyes glazed and heavy, begging for sleep to take them under. Looking after a baby is hard work, but one that's colicky is more so exhausting. Four months in and things just don't seem to want to let up. Roman's shattered – both physically as well as emotionally. And although the health professionals reassure him that things will get easier as Joshua gets older and his digestive system develops, he's not so sure whether the silent divide that had opened up between himself and Dean will be rectified with time. Truth be told, the physical exertion which came with looking after a young human was nothing compared to the emotional battle Dean and Roman had going on for the past year.

Gently and rhythmically rocking Joshua, Roman's head is full to the brim with thoughts that he's afraid they may totally consume him. He's in a daze and not solely due to the lack of sleep which comes with the joy of parenthood and a new born. Dean was slipping from him; his grasp. His life. As much as he tried to reason with himself that that's not the case- Dean has given him no reason to think this- he can't help it. Dean may not have vocalised anything to lead Roman to worry, but things had changed, significantly since they decided to have a child via a Surrogate mother.

Having been in a loving and committed relationship for 3 years- married for two of them- extending their family felt the most natural decision to make. The most obvious one. Roman still clearly recalls the hesitation in Dean's voice and in his beautiful blue eyes. Roman didn't take offence to it. He had half expected that kind of reaction given Dean's upbringing. He talked Dean around to the idea, telling Dean (and himself) that with time things would fall into place, that it would strengthen them and cement their relationship even further. But things hadn't quite turned out that way. Dean has been distant from him since the surrogacy process began.

Roman tried to get Dean involved as much as possible. He even suggested Dean take the role of biological father as he believed this would allow him to become more emotionally invested and involved. But Dean vehemently rejected this idea, something along the lines of 'tainted genes and how it would destine the baby to have a bad life' was given as his reasoning. It ripped Roman on the inside to hear Dean talk like that. Dean gave him the kind of happiness he never imagined he could have, why still so much self-doubt?

Neither Roman nor Dean had the best of childhoods, but whereas Roman's was marred with physical abuse, Dean had to deal with neglect and abandonment. Roman's physical scares healed with time. Dean's emotional scares to this day made an appearance. On days when he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders like he was the only living being on earth.

Roman took role of biological father still believing a child was what they both wanted in their relationship.

The pregnancy was traumatic to say the least with the Surrogate mother suffering from various complications throughout much of it. Roman prayed for the time in his life during this period. Praying for the good health of both their unborn and its Surrogate mother. When he held Joshua in his arm following birth he cried tears of joy and promised to love and protect him till his last breath. Joshua was the final piece to Dean and Roman's family and he couldn't wait to embark on that journey of parenthood with him. Roman truly believed the addition of their child would help Dean slowly but surely learn to truly see his worth; see just how much he meant to Roman. Just how much he would mean to their child.

So far things had not gone as Roman envisioned it. A rough pregnancy had Roman spending a lot of time with the Surrogate mother, his anxiety and worry getting the best of him. After the birth, naturally Joshua needed a lot of attention and Roman took to his role as father with great dedication. He knew he'd not spent time with Dean as he had hoped. Dreams of togetherness through pregnancy and after just not panning out in reality as it had done in his imagination. How he dreamed that the journey to parenthood would be rapt in joy and excitement. But what transpired was nothing Roman had ever imagined. They'd drifted apart. Yes, they were still together but the emotional and physical connection they shared just couldn't be found.

Roman looked down to see Joshua finally asleep. After 30 minutes of screaming, twisting his body in discomfort he'd finally settled. Roman slowly made his way to the nursery holding the baby close to his chest, lips lightly brushing the top of his scalp. Entering the small nursery, Roman gently put Joshua into his crib, silently praying that he did not stir at the loss of his father's embrace. A slight twitch of the small arms and ever so soft twist of the body had Roman nervous thinking Joshua would object to being put down. But Roman's fears were unfounded as Joshua settles. He watches the little man sleep, his heart fills with warmth whilst observing the soft rise and fall of his delicate and tiny chest. He feels a sense of peace wash over him. But its short lived, his thoughts soon invaded by Dean.

Roman misses him terribly. Misses the small things, like the irrelevant banter, the smirk on his lips, his dimples lighting his face, his touch, his warm body pressed against his; in bed, on the couch, and all the random times where they would just hold each other- just for the sake of it. Dean's there with him physically; at the dinner table late on evenings after work and in their bed at night. But he's not really there. He's mentally and emotionally absent. They don't really talk anymore. Haven't really done so since the inception of the pregnancy.

Roman at first gave Dean space as he knew how unnerving Dean found it all. He just reasoned that with time Dean would find his own way to deal with what he was feeling and accept the changes. Accept their baby. But it didn't happen. Somewhere along that journey Roman knows he should have helped Dean deal with all these changes and emotions, but he was reluctant to do so at first knowing full well that kind of 'help' would only agitate Dean and make him feel pressured and possibly isolate him further.

By the time Roman knew he needed to talk things through with Dean, the sands of time had shifted so much so that he didn't know how to approach the issue. A demanding child, lack of sleep and Dean's work commitments meant they had little time to talk; to communicate with each other. Find themselves again. At least that's what Roman wants to believe. The truth was he was frightened- that he had made a mistake. That having a child was not what Dean wanted. At all. That he could not- now or ever- accept Joshua. That the conversation would only lead to the unravelling of Roman's perfect misconception. Roman shuts his eyes tight. All the thoughts and emotions make his head spin and his chest constrict. It's all too much for Roman. He feels he can't cope with it all, can't breathe under the immense weight. He loves Dean more than life itself. The thought of losing him is too painful to bare.

Roman turns around slowly and heads towards the door; his head hung low, his shoulders slouched. He catches sight of Dean leaning against the door frame, hands in pocket, auburn curls in his eyes. Eyes meet. The sparkle in both sets is not vibrant as it used to be, but it's there and the strength of the gaze still sends shivers down Roman's spine. That's not changed. Despite everything, Dean still makes Roman's insides hum sweetly. A soft yet hesitant smile plays on Dean's lips as they stare at each other.

They haven't really been intimate in a way which felt right. The few attempts at physical and emotional reconnection often turned into a hurried fuck session because Roman found it hard to switch his maternal brain off, struggling to get into the sex in a way both Roman and Dean always use to. In the years they've been together they knew one thing for sure; they never fucked mindlessly. Each time was way more than a physical act. And each time was incredible.

"He's sleeping?". Dean asks softly breaking eye contact to look at his feet.

"Yeah. ... just got him to settle", Romans voice is just as hushed, he doesn't want to disturb Joshua, though a lot of it is also down to fatigue and exhaustion. "Gonna get some breakfast before you head out?"

Dean looks at Roman intently before replying, "Nah. I'll grab something whilst I'm heading to work... you need to sleep".

Roman merely looks at Dean. Yes, he does need to sleep, but he also wouldn't mind sitting at the table and watching Dean wolf down some food. Even if they don't talk, he still wants to be in his presence. For a little while longer. Night is the only time Roman gets to be with Dean. Even then much of it is disturbed by Joshua crying. Admittedly Joshua is slowly settling but still Roman's found he can't quite switch off, his brain consumed by fear of Joshua needing him. They still share the same bed, but they may as well be in separate rooms. They don't touch each other, don't snuggle up. Roman knows that he is to blame for this. He's afraid he'll disturb Dean, so he keeps his distance- in case he needs to get up and leave to tend to Joshua. He had originally suggested the idea of using the spare bed in the guest room, but Dean was very much against the idea.

Dean breaks eye contact first. He shuffles a bit on his feet, before he looks up at Roman, "I'll see you tonight". He seems despondent, has been for a while now. He doesn't wait for Roman to respond before he's slowly turning to leave.

Roman's heart starts to pound in his chest, he hates this distance which has crept in between them. A sudden rush of adrenaline, mixed with desperation, has Roman moving quickly, grabbing a hold of Dean (one hand moving into unruly hair whilst the other slips around the trim waist) turning him before crashing their lips together. He can feel Dean tense in his arms for the briefest of seconds before he reciprocates. Soft warm lips move firmly against Roman's. Sends that familiar and missed shiver down his spine, sets his skin prickling like every nerves got electricity coursing through it. He feels Dean's hands lock around his neck. Tight, with the kind of force which would in any other situation be uncomfortable. But in this it felt good. Needed. Like they've been starved for too long and physical affirmation was needed. Lips moved in sync as tongues firmly pushed into warm welcoming mouths. He heard Dean moan into the kiss and Roman felt his dick swell in his loose jog pants. Dean never failed to turn him to mush, make him feel lightheaded every time they kissed. Dean pushes into Roman to let him know the feeling is mutual.

Dean's the first to break away, cheeks flushed and a warm smile on his lips. "Gotta get to work."

Roman brings their foreheads together, one hand remained on Dean's waist, the other moving to his cheek to softly stroke it. "Pick this back up tonight?" He can sense the reservation in Dean's body movements as he slightly twitches. Well laid plans don't always come to fruition when you have a baby- they know this from experience. Even so Dean takes a breath before replying, "Yeh. Sounds really good." A final soft peck on the lips and Dean departs.

Roman watches Dean leave through tired eyes, feeling slightly relieved. He's got a lot to make up for. And he hopes the first step of much needed sexual intimacy will help pave a way forward. Slowly allow them to find each other again. Neither of them were the best of verbal communicators, they never did find it easy to talk. But what they knew from the very beginning was that their bodies talked the best for them. Through smell, touch and taste. They were never more content or connected than when they were in each other's arms in sweaty, shaky mess. Sex was much more between them. It was their greatest communicator. It communicated frustration, and fear- but above all it communicated need, solace and belonging. Roman just hoped Joshua remained settled enough. Roman knows just how important this is. He needs to bring Dean back.

 _ **Breaking point**_

Roman waited anxiously for Dean's return home. Surprisingly his day was not too bad. Joshua had a few periods of restlessness, struggling to settle after feeds, but all in all it was not as chaotic as it has previously been. Roman sat on the couch, still physically shattered. Although Joshua was less demanding, Roman had to contend with the dirty clothes which had stacked up over the past week or so. Still, Roman remained upbeat. Tonight was long overdue and he needed Dean to see just how much he needed him in his life. How much he still loved him.

Dean entered the home to find Roman on the couch with a bottle of wine and two glasses sat on the coffee table. He slips off his jacket and hangs it on the peg near the door. He slowly walks towards Roman and takes his place near him on the couch. The air is tense despite their little rekindle this morning. Roman didn't think almost a years' worth of silence and distance could be closed that quickly. He leans to pick up the wine and pours it for both him and Dean before handing a glass to his husband.

"Wine?" Dean snorts, "where's the beers?"

Roman watches Dean take a sip of the sweet rosé wine before he speaks, "thought we'd make it different tonight. Don't want you drunk, just slightly tipsy", Roman smirks before he sips his wine.

Dean smiles but it's not the kind of smile that brightens his face, puts on full show those dimples that Roman loves so much. It's the kind of smile that seems forced. Is not sincere or real. Roman's hoping to change that. Give Dean what they miss in their relationship.

Roman takes the glass from Dean, not really giving him a chance to finish it, and places them on the table. Turning to Dean, Roman grabs his lover's legs and gently pulls them apart to situate himself between them. He pulls Dean down by his thighs so he's lying flat on their leather couch. Leaning in slowly Roman begins to lay soft kisses along Dean's neck and collar bone. Tasting Dean felt good, his skin was always sweet, smooth and addictive. No matter how often he'd travelled that slender frame he could never get enough of Dean. Hands travelling down under Dean's worn tee shirt, Roman relishes in the feel of soft warm skin on his fingertips. He elicits a moan from Dean which gives him the confidence to keep going. Soon enough Dean's legs are wrapped around Roman as his hands seek purchase on a muscular back. Blunt nails digging into firm, toned skin. They're quickly losing themselves in the sea of pleasure. Clothes are hastily pulled off, as soft flesh and hard cocks spur to life as they come into contact the cool air. Inhibitions flying and temperatures soaring. Heads spinning as legs part and saliva slicked fingers press against a warm puckered hole, desperate to press for entry- when a baby's stirring whine breaks the intensity in the room. Coming in like a low rumble through the baby monitor it has the ability to freeze all movements.

Lust filled eyes bore into each other. Roman wants to keep going, hopes Joshua will stir and then settle. His hand keeps moving up Dean's sides, whilst the other bares down on a Dean's puckered hole silently begging for consent to carry on. Dean hesitantly moves in for another kiss, cautious but wanting to keep going, desperate to keep going- but the slight whine over the monitor turns into a low wail.

The sound of a distressed little human carries down the walkie-talkie and it shifts the energy in the room again. Dean grunts angrily before moving from under Roman, pushing him off a little harder than intended.

"Dean?" spoken softly but firm enough to be heard. Dean continues his speedy task of putting on his jeans, quickly heading towards the kitchen. Not once looking back. Dejected, Roman reaches for his pants before heading up to see to Joshua.

It takes Roman 30 minutes to settle the little man. Doesn't know what sets him off this time. Could have been anything. But he's content now and Roman hopes he stays settled. His heart is racing in his chest as he enters the kitchen to find Dean on his third bottle of beer. Still only in his jeans. He seems flustered – the first time he's seen real emotion of his face since the baby came along. And in all honesty it fills Roman with panic and fear. The air is edgy. Stifled. Makes it hard to breathe and gives off the impression that things are about to become very unpleasant. He can read Dean like a book. Most times. And Dean is reeled up tight. Anything could set him off.

Roman approaches cautiously but with determination. _Physical affirmation. Dean responds to that the best. Pick up where we left_ _off. It's gonna be fine_.

But as Roman draws closer and attempts contact, Dean Jerks back with the kind of force that has Roman stumbling slightly before he steadies himself. Dean looks at him with fire in his eyes. A flash. And then it's almost as Dean catches himself. Reminds himself where he is and with who. He looks away quickly, breathing heavy as if trying to calm his nerves and begins pacing across the small room. He won't make eye contact with Roman and now Roman's torn.

The illusion of everything being ok after tonight is quickly dissipating. Never have they faced a problem of this magnitude before. There's this empty void between them. One that's grown uncontrollably over a year. One that's eaten everything they thought they had. So Roman believes. Eyes welling up with tears, Roman decides it's time to stop ignoring this. Time to face it head on.

"Dean. ...", Roman almost ushers the words, but he knows Dean caught them in a room which is crackling with awkward silence.

"It's fine", Dean responds quickly, pacing speeding up like he's trying to burn holes in the carpet. _It's fine_. Roman's lost count of how that phrase has been thrown around recently. Everything according to Dean was fine. Has been since they decided to have a child together. But things were not fine were they. If it was they wouldn't be standing a meter apart, but be feel as though they were on the opposite ends of the world.

"It's not fine Dean... hasn't been for some time now", Roman exhales deeply. Trying to put some tone into his voice, make it sound meaningful and not lethargic he slowly inches closer to Dean, hands moving to touch him. Gently splaying over his back he tries to reconnect with him. "Please...baby...talk to me..."

Dean doesn't say anything. Again Roman moves to close the gap, but this time Dean moves away annoyed. A soft defeatist plea leaves Roman's lips, tears free falling.

Dean inhales loudly, annoyance laced in his voice, and through gritted teeth he shouts out "nothing is wrong Ro- just leave it!' He again jerks away from Roman and attempts to leave the room.

Roman sees red, something in him shatters. He turns to grab hold of Dean and swings him around. Without any kind of warning large hands are shoving Dean hard, making him stumble backwards, almost toppling over. Dean's too shocked at first to process this, but what brings him back to reality is not physical discomfort the hard push causes to his chest but the gut wrench he gets from seeing tears stream down Roman's face.

Roman can't hide it anymore. He feels it burn in the pit of his stomach as words come flying out. No filter, just shear emotion. "You son of a bitch! Why are you being like this?", Roman chokes out.

Dean looks on, his face a mixture of shock and hurt. "Not done nothing". Comes out defensive, like a little child. And if that doesn't tip Roman over the edge.

"Exactly, you're doing nothing! Nothing since we decided to have a baby! Nothing since he came along! I'm tired Dean...we were supposed to be doing this together, but you're nowhere to be found!". Roman knows he's raising his voice and that's a bad idea. Makes for Joshua waking up. But he finds he can't stop it. And true to form Dean reacts as Roman knows he would. Shoulders up, facial features tense. Ready to hit that defence button full on. It's how Dean reacts every time he feels pushed into a corner. Threatened.

"I'm nowhere to be found? You kidding me?! I'm right here- I've been here the whole time. You're the big over protective father who doesn't trust me with the baby! You're the one who's been busy caring about the baby to give two shits about me!"

Temperatures quickly rising and with that it brings a tsunami of venom- threatening to destroy everything in its path. The words hurt like hell. Mainly because it is the truth. Roman knew this was likely to happen, hence the deliberate dodge game he played so it could be avoided. But now there was no way to avoid the blows.

Roman has been busy with Joshua. And yes he has taken the lead in all things baby, but that was not out of malice. He did that to give Dean time and space. He did it to not pressure Dean because he knew this would be new to him. He knew Dean's apprehension; he could literally see it every time he was around the baby. Roman responded the way he did it to compensate for Dean. How dare he now turn this on him- make him seem like the bad guy- like he enjoys sleepless nights, constant nappy changes and being puked on.

"Don't you dare turn this on me! Don't you dare!", Roman roars the words out, hot from the pit of his stomach. "All I've ever done is give you time, give you space so you could find your way to us. To our family. I've done nothing but try- "

Roman's cut off mid-sentence with a sarcastic laugh. Dean now facing him, mirroring the same hurt and anger which is written all over Roman's usually gentle features.

"Our family? Seriously? You're the one who wanted a baby! - needed one! I was happy Ro! I had you! I had all the family I needed! But that wasn't enough was it! I wasn't enough for you!"

Roman's mouth falls open, anger now laced with shock. All it does is add fuel to the fire, provokes him further, "we decided for a baby. You agreed to- "

Dean cuts in again, his voice turned up a few more decibels "No! No! You wanted a baby! You kept pushing and pushing till you made me feel like shit for even contemplating anything other than moving forward with this! You knew how I felt! You knew and you didn't let up Ro. This is your baby! This is all you wanted." Arms stretched out Dean continues, "me? I'm just here to fulfil your need to keep up appearances! - keep the illusion alive. That we are one big happy family!"

Deans chest is rising and falling fast, he feels like he's on fire. His head, his body burn, but the adrenaline rush feels great. Feels like a loads been lifted from him. Feels like he's soaring high. He feels free. For about 30 seconds. Because the look in Roman's already tired eyes look devastating. Dean's back down to earth with a huge thud. And the gravitas of what he's said truly hits him. And now he feels his body become really heavy. Like he can't stand up anymore. But at the same time he's frozen and can't move.

Roman feels his world shatter. He knew things were not good but he never comprehended that this was the level of animosity Dean was harbouring, carrying around with him. Dean means the world to him. He loves him more than life. In all the years they've been together this has to be their worst argument. Because it cuts deep. Hurts too much. Is laced with far too much reality to be repaired by any level of great physical intimacy. Never has Dean felt so far out of reach.

Roman's still lost in thought when a tiny cry pierces the tension in the room. Roman feels too numb to move. Dean's not moved either. Just stood there looking at the ground. Lost in his thoughts too. Eventually Roman moves. Every fibre in him feels drained. Utterly defeated. He makes his way to the nursery where Joshua's screaming now, desperately calling out.

Roman wipes his eyes and reaches into the crib. He brings the little man close to his chest. Let's him feel his heart beat, rocks him gently whilst softly whispering everything's ok, that he's got him. That he's safe.

Whilst trying to instil calm into his son, Roman's head space is in utter chaos. He can't stop thinking about what just went down. What Dean said. A part of him tries to ration that Dean didn't mean it- that he was upset. That things got said in the heat of the moment. He could have believed this if he did not know Dean. Not know how he ticked, how he thought. Dean always spoke the truth when he was upset or heated. It all just came out. Dean wasn't happy. He resented the baby and he hated Roman for forcing him into agreeing to this. Roman releases a shuddered breath as he tries to breathe deep. Not to cry with the baby in his arms.

The bust up has Roman's head swimming with terrible childhood memories. His mum and dad screaming at each other. He always heard it where ever he was. Sometimes he even witnessed it. They really didn't a fuck most times. Didn't care if Roman was there or not. They got so into it that Roman became invisible to them. It happened daily and increasingly he became accustomed to the visual cinema that came with it. The slaps, kicks and punches. The screaming and crying. The blood. The hate. Roman soon found himself on the receiving end of the blows too. It happened one day and after that it became a daily part of his life.

His parents hated one another but they never walked away. When he was old enough to leave that hell hole he remembers asking his mum why she never walked away. Her response was that she did it for him, so he may know who his dad was. She claimed she went through hell so he may have a roof over his head and a father figure in his life. Roman didn't believe a word of it. You would never put someone you love in harm's way. You'd protect them and keep them safe. You'd up and leave in the middle of the night if you had to.

And it hits him hard. Joshua endured his first ever parent's fight. He was merely four months old. He must have been terrified. Roman's heart sinks further at him failing to protect Joshua.

Dean watches Roman from the door way having followed Roman. He watches in silence as Roman calms Joshua down. Even sings him a lullaby. It tugs a small smile to his face. But its short lived as Roman puts down Joshua and turns to face Dean. The hurt that is still evident on his face brings Dean back to the horridness which transpired moments ago. Roman walks past Dean and heads for the kitchen. Dean follows behind. Like a lost puppy.

Roman gets busy taking the baby's clothes out of the dryer. He brings the laundry basket filled with clothes, tips the content onto the dining room table and begins to fold them slowly, putting them back into the basket again.

"Ro...", Dean's voice is soft and hesitant and although he knows Roman's heard, he gets no answer so he cautiously steps closer. "Ro- "

Roman cuts him off- "he heard it all Dean. The shouting and screaming. He's just a baby...must've been terrified...", Roman's voice fades away before he takes a deep breath and slowly turns to Dean, looks him dead in the eyes and it shakes Dean to his foundations because he senses he's about to hear something which he doesn't want to hear.

Roman's stomach twists violently, as his chest feels like lead, its heavy and it hurts. "The first time I held him in my arms I promised that I'd protect him. Promised him he'd have a better childhood than mine...", Roman looks away. He can't look Dean in the eyes and say what he knows he has to next. Because it feels like acid on his tongue. Feels like it's going to rip his heart it two. But he needs Dean to know. "I got it wrong Dean. Thought what we had was strong enough to see us through anything which came our way. But maybe I was blind. I gave you space when maybe I shouldn't have. But I did it as I thought it was the right thing to do. Because I thought keeping on at you would push you away... but I guess I pushed you away anyway."

"what are you saying?", Dean asks, his blue eyes piercing into Roman.

Roman takes a deep breath and forces himself to make eye contact. And the minute he does he regrets it. Dean's eyes are red, glassed over, threatening tears. He looks so lost, so innocent. So vulnerable. All Roman wants to do is run to him and take him in his arms and shelter him from it all. But he knows he can't. He presses on, trying his best to keep himself composed. "I've grown up in a home where people who couldn't stand each other stayed together when they should have walked away. Because they didn't only hurt each other they also hurt those around them- "

"we are nothing like your parents!" Dean cuts in quick. His voice a growl as words come out through gritted teeth- clearly Dean's offended by what Roman's saying.

"We keep going this way we will be. Dean I'm sorry I ever made you feel the way you do right now. I am. I thought, wrongly so, that extending our family was what we both wanted. I now know it wasn't...but there's no take backs where children are concerned. I can't hand Joshua back because you can't accept him. So, if you can't or don't want to do this with me...maybe we shouldn't be together anymore. Because if you can't accept Joshua, this isn't the first or last time things are gonna blow up between us. And I can't do that to Joshua. That ain't fair."

"So you're giving up on me?". Dean's voice is low, his face tense and eyes narrowed. His expression is now hard, but the hurt is still evident as well as the anger.

Roman remains resolute. His eyes focused on Dean, "I'd never give up you Dean. Never. I love you so much." To that Dean scoffs like he doesn't believe Roman, but Roman continues, "I love you Dean, but I won't force you to be in a situation you don't want. Because if you stay and you don't want the baby, it's going to lead to resentment and hurt and it will eventually lead to hate. And you deserve more than that. So does Joshua. So do I."

There's the kind of tension in the room which makes it hard to breathe. Makes it feel like you're suffocating. Dying. And in a way Roman feels that way. Because although he believes he said what needed to be said, life without Dean is unimaginable. In the 3 years they've been together Roman has never been more content or happy. He can't imagine life without him. To think he may have to is like a dagger to the heart.

Dean doesn't move for what feels like an eternity. His eyes are locked on Roman. Dean's body is slightly shaking as he breathes heavily. Face tense and eye brows scrunched together. His lips quivering as though he's holding back on what he wants say or trying his best to maintain self-control.

Nothing is said as Dean slowly turns around, goes to the lounge and exits a few seconds later with his tee shirt on. He heads to the door and closes it behind him with some force which indicates his bad mood. Roman braces himself for a minute; to compose himself and also pray that hasn't stirred Joshua again. Luckily it hasn't.

In the quietness of the room Roman feels cold, like all the warmth has been taken out of the home. The view in front of him is mundane, all the colour in the room has gone. He sits at the table and the only warmth he feels is that between his hands. He looks down at his hands. He's holding a tiny little romper. Green. It tugs a small smile to his lips for the briefest of seconds. But he then begins to quietly sob, bringing the romper to his face as he tries to muffle his cries.

 _ **Finding a way back home**_

There was a chill in the evening air, it had a sharp and bitter bite which in other circumstances would have had him huddling and walking faster to get away from it quickly. But tonight it did bother him. He felt like his skin was on fire, his heart was going a thousand beats per minute, pumping what felt like lava through his veins. Every inch of him burned.

He left home approximately an hour ago. He had no destination, didn't know where he was going. Auto pilot guided him somewhere. Anywhere where he could create distance between him and what happened back home in the hope that the further away he got, the possibility of those memories fading and disappearing would increase. His feet were tired and weary and it was almost like they were protesting. He has never felt anything like this. He was hurt and when he got hurt he did what he had to defend himself. He walked and kept walking until he felt safe. Roman hurt him. His words left Dean weak and vulnerable. But it also left him angry and all he wanted to do now was walk. Hell, he'd run if his feet would permit. But he couldn't. Despite everything that was running through his tired and overworked mind and body, he didn't want to go far. He didn't want to get to a point where he couldn't find his way back home.

Dean eventually sits himself down on a bench outside a small park. He recognises it as the one Roman and he often came to before the pregnancy. It was on the outskirts of the town, away from the hustle and bustle of city life. As Dean sits he's attacked by the cold air, which penetrates his thin tee shirt, making his skin react angrily with goose bumps. But there's a brief interlude from the chaos ravaging his mind as he thinks back to better times he and Roman have had whilst they've sat together in this park, watching people and life go by. Roman and he use to joke about having sex against a tree one night so they could bask in the ambiance while trying to figure the meaning of life. It brings a small smile to his lips.

Roman.

He misses him like crazy. His mind swims with good thoughts for the first time in months. Thoughts of him and Roman. How they met, where they met, the first time they fucked, the first time they kissed, the first date they went on. All those times Roman anchored him, to keep him grounded and calm when he wanted to run because he couldn't handle all the alien feelings that came with being around the older man.

He still recalls the day he first met Roman. It was in some night club where the music was too loud and the beer was horrible. Dean only went into these types of establishments to look for no strings attached sex. Didn't really care who it was or where, so long as he got his fix.

He'd noticed Roman across a crowded bar. Roman was the kind of person that didn't get lost in a crowd- become a no body in amongst a sea of people. He stood out like a sore thumb. And the minute his vision locked on the sexy man, he knew he was going to have him. But God did Roman make him work for it. The chat up lines filled with innuendo, cheap drinks and flirting eventually lead to a very rough- but very satisfying fuck- down the alley outside the club.

And it began. Homing in on Roman every time he was in the club. He really didn't analyse it to begin with- he just liked the way Roman fucked. It was like nothing he'd ever experienced. But things changed.

He doesn't remember how or when, but it turned into something more. He found himself wanting to spend time with Roman and do things that didn't involve sex. He found himself waiting anxiously for Roman to call, day dreaming about him whilst he should've been working. Wanting to spend every waking minute and night with him. He remembers fighting it, pushing Roman away because as incredible as this feeling was, it scared Dean. This feeling of exposure and vulnerability was not something he wanted. Being open to someone, who could rip your heart in two scared him. He'd learned a lot in his youth about need and rejection.

His youth was marred by a coke head of a mum who left him for long periods to fend for himself. Exposing him to the kinds of situations and abuse no child should ever find themselves in. He never knew who his dad was, he left his mum before he was born. His mum was always quick to tell him that his dad was a dead beat loser. A petty criminal who was in and out of the judicial system like it was as natural to him as breathing. Also told Dean he'd be no different, that the apple didn't fall far from the tree. That he was worth nothing.

When you hear things like that all your life you soon believe them. Dean believed it for a long time until he met Roman.

Falling hard and fast was exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. So many times Dean tried to run, to shut Roman out. But he couldn't. It was like some invisible force which kept pulling them back together. Plus, Roman's persistence. Roman kept holding out for Dean. Giving him the time he needed. When Dean needed to be pulled back, Roman did that. It was like he could read Dean, sense when Dean needed a lot more physical confirmation than time and space. Every time, without fail, Roman was his anchor. The calm shore for his chaotic waves. The one who could stop him setting too far adrift. It was hard work for Dean. To let himself be vulnerable. To tell himself it was ok, that Roman would never hurt him.

Things moved quick for them. Within 6 months of official dating they were co- habiting; a year and they were married and honestly things couldn't have been better. But then Roman suggested having a baby. It shouldn't have been such a shocker on reflection. It was no secret that Roman wanted a family, he made that clear right at the beginning. He always said that when he found the right person he would want to settle down and start a family. He said he had a lot of love to give and to him it was only natural to want children. If Dean was honest with himself, he found that in Roman to be attractive. He always wondered how a person who had an equally abysmal childhood like his still wanted to bring children into this world.

Dean made no secret of it, he wasn't paternalistic. He never considered children as part of his future. It wasn't like he had anything personal against them, but his past shaped who he was now. He was made to suffer by those who should've protected him. Cared for him. They didn't. And Dean always believed that if you couldn't do that you shouldn't have any kids. And Dean couldn't do that. He was messed up. Emotionally precarious and often highly charged- you didn't need to say or do anything to set him off. Evidently Roman had calmed him, but that was Roman. He was not so easily pacified by others. Children needed patience and understanding. Dean just didn't think he was cut to play the role of a father.

As he sat on the bench with his teeth clattering in his mouth, Dean tried to think through everything. He knew he loved Roman, didn't want to lose him. But a child just complicated everything. Why did Roman want one? Wasn't it enough that they'd married? Was that not commitment enough? He was angry at Roman. Blamed him for it all. He ruined their perfectly fine family. Dean was happy and what Roman did was just selfish. Because now, Dean feels out of place. Forced to play doting father when that's not what he wanted.

Dean huddles into himself; shoulders up and tight while hands braced the bench.

But as ever minute passed, other more uncomfortable thoughts began to occupy his mind. About him, why he feels this way. Because as much as he wants to blame Roman he can't deny the fact that he agreed to it all. His sub-conscious is pushing him to think of his own self-worth. Or lack of it.

His mum always told him he would be like his father. A good for nothing who would get some girl pregnant and then leave her and the baby to a rotten existence. Dean always thought he'd be better than that, but right now he finds himself living those words. How can he be any better than his old man? Maybe it was true, maybe the apple does not fall far from the tree.

Dean had tried to understand why he was feeling the way he was. Having gone on the Internet he came across a lot on men suffering post-natal depression. He remembers scoffing whilst he read some of the stuff. All he remembers thinking was ' _what a bunch of cowards, frightened because they would no longer be the centre of attention, or, too afraid to take care of their business'_. That wasn't Dean. But sat alone in a park, in the dark and cold feeling sorry for himself, he felt way too close to the descriptors he read about.

A baby changed everything for Dean. The responsibility of caring for Joshua terrified him. He thought he would be useless and like his dad end up bailing on Roman. Breaking Roman's heart and ruining the best thing he ever had.

Tears fell down Dean's face. He didn't even realise just how much this affected him. It sounded down right pathetic thinking about it. How it would sound out loud he dares not imagine. But as he sat on the bench now gently rocking back and forth trying to calm his nerves, he knew one thing. There was no other destination for him. All other roads had no meaning and were not worth travelling unless they lead back to Roman. Giving up Roman was not an option. And Roman came with baby. He had to find a way to move forward. He had to talk to Roman, he had to stop bottling this up. He just hoped they could find a way to move forward together.

As Dean made his way home he wondered if Roman was still awake, waiting for him. Roman was an oversized care bear and always waited up for Dean when he was out late. As he came closer, Dean's cold body got a shot of warm heat, which radiated from his chest to the rest of his body. There at their bedroom window in the dimness of background light he made out Roman's figure. Like always. Waiting for him. But the minute Dean came into view the figure backed away from the window.

Dean entered the home quietly, remembering just then that he slammed the door on his way out. He could become so self-absorbed sometimes. He felt a sharp pang of guilt knowing that he may have upset Joshua again as he was leaving.

As he gently made his way up the stairs the warmth in the house soon had his body heating up, but his heart was now beating like crazy. The anticipation of how he and Roman could come back from this- whether Roman wanted to try again- made Dean's stomach twist fiercely. He felt physically ill. The thought of not having Roman was all consuming, made him feel depressed.

Heading slowly to their room he opened the door slightly, letting the passage light colour the room in its mix of grey and black. Roman was lying on his side of the bed, his back to Dean and facing the window. His muscular back on full display whilst the snug boxers hugged his generous rumps of flesh.

'Ro?' Dean whispers. Roman doesn't move an inch as his voice is swallowed by the silent void in the room. He knows Roman's awake, just saw him standing at the window. Roman never gives him the silent treatment unless he's really upset. Dean steps forward closing the door which shifts the rooms colour several shades darker. He puts the side lamp on and toes off his shoes before sitting gently on the bed. He slowly reaches a hand out and his still slightly cold fingertips touch Roman's soft warm brown skin. He feels Roman flinch ever so slightly at the contact but he doesn't shift away. Dean watches his porcelain fingertips gently move over a valley of firm muscled skin. The caramel skin covering the contours of Roman's back, moving ever so slightly under his touch. He hears the gentlest of shuddered breaths leave Roman as his fingers make their way down his husbands back, moving to the dimples above his butt cheeks which was exposed by the low boxers. He can feel each slight movement under his fingertips. And how his body reacts to the vision of eroticism which lay before him. How he wanted to move in and let his lips be part of this journey. Because he's missed this, missed touching Roman, like really touching him. Taking the time without hesitation or pressure or rush to map over his man. Touch him, kiss him, let his hands, lips and tongue taste every inch of Roman's sweet addictive skin.

But Dean had to compose himself- they needed to talk and he couldn't do that with distraction. Reluctantly Dean pulls his hand away, immediately missing the warm contact. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, "Ro, we need to talk".

No response from Roman. He doesn't move, doesn't make a sound. So Dean continues, but this time he shifts on the bed, moves up close behind Roman, his jean clad knees almost touching Roman. 'I wish I could say I didn't mean what I said... but I did. That's just how I feel'. Dean shifts and lays against Roman, head to head and toe to toe, framing his lover as an arm went to wrap around Roman's torso. He again feels Roman react to the touch. And Dean loves it. Gives him something to hold onto- that he still has that effect on Roman despite everything. That he could still set his body alight. Again Dean has to focus and doing so brings him back to the harsh reality at hand. It has his stomach in knots.

Dean moves in close, his head dips slightly as his lips brush over the back of Romans neck. Voice still soft and low but filled with conviction and shaky, because what he's about to say next really is difficult for Dean to verbalise, "I'm so fucking scared Ro". A choked sob. Dean doesn't realise he's been holding back more tears as they begin to fall freely, leaving a wet trail at the centre of Roman's back.

He feels Roman shift underneath his hand as he turns to face Dean. The glow from the lamp is dim but it catches Roman's tired features. Roman lifts an arm gently to Dean's cheeks and wipes his tears. "Of what? What are you afraid of?", he whispers, bringing his face in close, covering Dean's personal space with a blanket of safety and security. Giving Dean what he needs to really open up.

Dean swallows around the lump in his throat before speaking, "I'm afraid I'm gonna fuck this up- like I do everything... eventually." Dean's gaze drops to his hand which is softly stroking the arm Roman is holding the side of his face with. Dean takes another deep breath before continuing, "I don't know how to handle all this Roman. You and me both had a shitty upbringing, but you? You've taken to all this. Me..." Dean voice trailed off, another tear slowly trickled down his cheek.

"Hey...look at me", Roman quietly demands.

Dean slowly looks up. He sees softness and warmth in Roman's eyes. Even in the dim lighting of the room it shines bright. It's gives him the courage to continue, "what if it's true? What if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?"

Dean watches Roman's face as he processes what he's just said. It takes a minute before Roman's eyes widen ever so slightly and his features become tense. "Don't you say that. You hear me, you are nothing like your old man."

Dean replies with a soft dry chuckle, his chest compressing as he forces the words out, "he wasn't man enough to take care of his kid- left before he ever saw me. I'm no better. I'm terrified of taking care of this family. What if I can't hack it? What if I'm not man enough to look after my family too?"

"Dean- "

"No Ro. I've not held him, not even looked at him properly. What kind of person does that? I'm scared I'm losing you to a baby. It's pathetic Roman. I'm a grown ass man and I sound like a selfish child and- ," Dean pauses, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath as he thinks he's rambling. He keeps his eyes focused on his hand which remained firmly on Roman's arm before he spoke again, "so much is going through my head. I feel so fucked up. I don't know what to do'.

Dean feels Roman lift his head by holding his chin. Dean again makes eye contact, feeling vulnerable, quite pathetic and deeply weary. "Do you still want me Dean?"

"Fuck Yeh", said immediately. With passion and conviction.

Roman gulps, his hand tightens ever so slightly around Dean's chin, tears threatening those beautiful brown eyes again, "what about the baby?"

"I wanna try Ro. I want to be there for him. For you. but I'm scared, what if I'm not cut out to be the father he needs me to be..."

The silence in the room was painfully loud, he could hear the buzzing in his ears and he hated it. After what felt like eternity to Dean, Roman moves in, lips almost touching, chest to chest as he lifts a leg to wrap around Dean. He strokes Dean's face softly before speaking, 'do you know why I wanted a baby with you Dean?'

"coz you ran out of options?"

Dean wasn't anticipating it but he guessed he deserved the pinch to his side which had him shifting his body into the touch, the briefest of giggles leaving him. It did break the tension in the room slightly as Roman looked at Dean, a small smile playing on his lips. He again bought his hand up to Dean's face to refocus on what they were talking about. "I wanted a baby with you because I've never loved or wanted anyone else more in my life. You're a good person Dean. Much more than anyone gives you credit for. More than anyone truly sees. You try every day to better yourself. You work hard and you're honest. And you're the kind of person who raises good kids. Because you're a caring and good man." Roman finishes his sentence with the softest of kisses to Dean's lips. A kiss which though brief had Dean's heart racing and chased warmth through his veins. Foreheads together large hands blanketing half of Dean's face with warmth Roman speaks, "you stayed Dean- despite all you were feeling. You didn't leave. You may have his blood but you are nothing like him. You're here. Despite all your fears, you're here with me. With Joshua."

A smile, small and hesitant, makes home on Dean's face. He feels warmth and a sense of vindication. Almost like Roman said was what Dean needed to hear. Because it's true. Despite the darkest of thoughts, the loneliest of times, leaving was never an option. The nights when Joshua was particularly unsettled he was there, close to Roman, unconsciously checking on Joshua. Because he did care. He does care.

"Tell me what you need Dean? What do you need me to do?" Roman asks softly.

"Just be here. With me. Whilst I figure it out. That's all I need... stay with me". Dean's voice was just above a whisper. He didn't know whether he was asking too much of Roman. But Dean wanted to be honest. He wanted this family. He wanted the baby. Didn't want Joshua- their baby- to grow up without the love of both his parents. He just knew it was gonna be a journey. One which was going to be long, but one he needed to start. As soon as possible.

"I've nowhere to go without you baby. You're my world." The words make Dean feel all warm and snug, he feels the heat rise in his cheeks as well as the smile on his face. Roman always knew how to do that, alleviate Dean's fears, make things better. And he loved him more for it; for giving him the space he needed but ensuring that space be shrouded in love and safety. Made Dean feel wanted. Needed. His body felt tension free, for the first time in many months. Warmth radiated through him like he'd found clarity for the first time in a long time lying here with his husband's thick frame against his. Dean moves in slowly and captures Roman's lips in soft kiss. Supple lips moving against each other in perfect sync, setting Dean's whole body alight. He moves in to deepen the kiss, his wet tongue swiping against Roman's plump sensuous lips. Roman instantly grants access allowing Dean's tongue to enter that familiar wet craven. How Dean loved kissing his man. Tongues firmly moving against each other's in its own private and intimate dance.

Dean shifts himself- not once breaking the kiss- to position himself between Roman's parted legs. Chest to chest, hands caressing bare skin which lay beneath him. Insides purring and quickly heating with every passing second. Dean savours the taste of the older man. Uniquely Roman. Sweet and utterly potent. He feels Roman's hands move to the hem of his shirt, bravely moving under to touch skin, making Dean moan into the kiss which was now very sloppy. Tongues, saliva, teeth. Desperate for more.

Dean lifts himself off his lover for a brief second to pull his shirt over his head and toss it carelessly to the side. Moving in fast with a mix of urgency but also care, he trails wet open mouthed kisses down Roman's torso. Feeling him squirm as his breathe hitches in his throat and hands move in to tangle in soft dark blonde hair. Moving south Dean can see the impressive bulge in the dim light of room. How he's missed the physical intimacy. He can't help but nuzzle his nose into Roman's boxer covered crotch, his hands moving in underneath Roman's buttocks to hold him in place as he effectively hugs Roman's groin, taking the time to inhale the intoxicating smell of his partner.

"Dean", Roman chuckles breathlessly, "what are you d- oh God!". boxers swiftly pushed down as Dean wastes no time taking Roman's thick long length into his mouth- instantly deep throating him. Roman's hips buck up in reaction, almost choking Dean, but Dean remains determined and keeps going. One hand moving up to thumb Roman's small nipple, whilst the other moves to hold Roman's hip, stroking it gently and totally loving the whimpers he draws from his love. Roman's hands remain firmly at the back of Dean's head, holding him in place, which sends confidence surging through him. Dean's missed the taste of Roman. Missed Roman's cock in his mouth stretching him to maximum capacity. Dean's eyes alternate from looking up to see Roman whose looking at him with eyes full of desire, to shutting them tightly to allow him to concentrate on his breathing as he's licks and sucks Roman off. Saliva and pre-cum mix in his mouth and tastes delicious as Dean revels in feeling every groove and vein against his tongue.

Reluctantly pulling back, Dean moves of the bed, pulling down Roman's boxers fully and tossing them on the floor. Dean fumbles desperately at his belt and unbuttons his jeans with shaky hands which are desperate to be back on warm soft skin. Breaking free from his pants he moves back quickly onto the bed where Roman welcomes him into his open, outstretched arms, pulling him in for another intense kiss. Whimpers and moans are swallowed into each other's mouths as hands desperately grab at flesh. Dean feels that wonderful tingling sensation which always starts at the centre of his chest and finds its way to his fingertips and toes. His body feels as though it's floating on air and every nerve is alight. But the feeling of Roman's firm, thick body beneath him is grounding. The sensation is always indescribable, but intoxicating as ever.

Mouths, lips and tongue continue to move against one another in sheer bliss as Dean's hands trail down Roman's skin to rest on his thighs for the briefest of moments before he shifts them slightly allowing himself to slot perfectly between the thick frame. His dick is painfully hard as it grazes Roman's puckered hole, forcing Roman to break the kiss so he could gasp loudly. Roman stares into Dean's lust filled eyes, sees nothing but love and want. Dean wants in now, without prep. Needs to feel Roman entirely. Feel the rawness so they can connect in a way which was it its most intimate. Although this wouldn't be the first time they engaged in sex without prep, Dean still seeks permission, looking at Roman, silently begging for entry. Roman stares back, the intenseness of his gaze bores into Dean's very soul.

No words are said, but the message is received loud and clear. A final kiss before Dean shifts himself so he's on his knees, spreading Roman's thighs further apart, bringing them to rest over his thighs. A thumb moves to his mouth as he coats in his own saliva before moving it down to Roman's puckered hole and circling it a few times. Dean's other hand moves to stroke his cock roughly. Roman bears down slightly on Dean's thumb. The visual stimulation provided by his man, whining and whimpering, hands grabbing at the bed sheets along with the sensation of Dean stroking himself threatened to undo Dean quickly.

Using his thumb as guide in the dim lit room, Dean lines his dick up to Roman and slowly pushes his way past the tight ring of muscle. His senses are raging, his breathing hitches as Roman's tight ass threatens to suffocate his dick. It feels impossibly tight, but also incredible as Dean struggles to keep his eyes open and concentrate on his breathing as he continues to push in. In the fogginess of his mind he hears Roman's laboured breathing. Feels his body tense up beneath him. Dean's eyes open to find Roman's face contort in pain, a tear leaving his eyes which are squeezed shut. Bending over to come face to face with ebony haired man, he kisses the tear away. "I love you". Said with conviction and repeatedly like a mantra, hot breath on even hotter skin, in an attempt to comfort Roman whilst he continued to push in until he was balls deep. Dean's hips rock ever so gently- enough to stretch Roman slightly but not enough to cause any more pain.

Dean's face remains hovered over Roman's as Roman finally opens his eyes. He looks up at Dean and smiles- a hand moves to Dean's ass cheeks to grab at it, whilst the other moves to Dean's back, firmly keeping him in place. Dean begins to rock his hips, pulling out half way and then pushing in. Deliberately slow but firm strokes. Taking his time. Taking the opportunity to watch Roman intently as his face changes to one of blissful abandonment. Lost to everything other than the pleasure of Dean fucking him. Parted lips, furrowed eyebrows. Back arching up to meet each and every thrust Dean had to deliver. Whimpers and moans falling from those gorgeous plush lips as Dean continues to strike Roman's prostate over and over again. Dean loves this, loves the feeling of his dick being squeezed inside the silky, warm and wet craven of Roman's ass. Loves the closeness he feels whenever they were like this. Whether it was rough and hard and slow and gentle, the way his brain goes haywire with Roman, the ache it pulses through his very core, making him feel more alive than ever. No one could do this to Dean, but Roman.

Tangled in Roman, bold fingers groping and digging into sweaty flesh, Dean inhales Roman's scent, feels him fill every inch of his being with his presence. Lips slightly parted, alternating between sloppy kisses and just breathing hot air into each other's mouths. Hips moving a little faster, the bed begins to pick up a rhythm as it knocks repeatedly into the wall. Both were a panting, whimpering and desperate mess. And yet they held on tight. Hands now intertwined above Roman's head as their foreheads touched.

"Don't ever leave me", Roman manages to say in between his desperate moans. Eyes locked on Dean, a mix of pleasure and sadness still.

Dean responds with a fierce kiss. Much harder and desperate than the others that proceeded them. "I love you...never leaving." Dean punctuates the statement by moving in for another kiss as his thrusts speed up. Spark upon spark of electrolytes rush through his veins, blurring his vision, making his toes curl. His stomach tightens rapidly- pushing him further into the bright light. The wall being hit by the bed frame becomes louder and mixes with the symphony of sounds created by two men close to the edge.

Dean relinquishes his hold on Roman's hands; one hand moves to the throbbing dick which has been twitching away impatiently between their hot sticky torsos. The other hooks under Roman's lower back, pulling him in as well as enabling Dean to anchor himself. He begins to quickly stroke the thick length which is covered in pre-cum. His hips going crazy as they begin to rock harder, faster. Roman's moans becoming louder are music to Dean's ears. He loves hearing him fall apart. Roman reaches up and grabs Dean's face forcing them to connect their lips again as Roman tries to muffle his screams as a result of his impending orgasm. Lips locked, eyes squeezed shut. Cheeks flushing and legs fastening tightly around Dean's lower back, Roman comes hard. Hot ropes of cum shooting up, hitting his and Dean's chest. The gripping of his dick inside of Roman has Dean struggling to hold on. Slamming into Roman with all his might he let's go. Allows the waves of ecstasy to take him under as he releases his seed deep inside of Roman.

His worn out and spent body falls on Roman, his head instantly moving to the crook of Roman's sweaty and sticky neck as his hands hook under Roman, seemingly not caring about the cum going everywhere. Roman wraps his arms gently around his husband, holding him in place. For the first time in a long time the silence in the room is not tense or deafening. It's calm. Peaceful. Relaxed and filled with serenity. Allowing them to just lay in each other's arms. Completely at ease.

 _ **Holding on**_

The room is dark apart from the faint moonlight which makes its way through the window curtains. Dean's on the bed with Roman, lying on his side and propped up on one hand against the pillows. The other hand is gently carding through Roman's slightly damp, thick mane. He can just about make out Roman's feature and although they are vague in the soft light of the room, he can make out that Roman's sleep is peaceful. His features look the most relaxed it's been in a long while. Dean recalls the many nights where he's sat and watched Roman sleep. His face tense and weary despite being asleep. And never did it last long, a screaming wail was never far behind. But right now, as Roman lays on the bed ever so slightly curled into Dean's side, he looks relaxed. Dean's just stares at him with adoration in his eyes and a smile on his lips. He reasons it must be the intense make up session which took place. Both in bed and in the shower afterwards.

Dean can't help but blush as he recalls round two. It was a bit rougher and much louder, with Dean fucking Roman hard and fast from behind whilst he was braced against the shower wall. He loved dominating Roman any chance he got. Loved the sight of him bent, taking it like a champ, whilst Dean filled his ears with all kinds of dirty talk. Loved the way Roman responded. Moaning louder with each thrust, returning every desperate sloppy kiss with great enthusiasm. It was like Roman was truly free of any worry for the first time in months; how he wants his Roman to be always. Dean kind of feels a pang of guilt too though- Roman's definitely going to be a bit sore tomorrow. He moves a hand under the covers and splays it on Roman's buttocks, gently rubbing it. Like he's trying to soothe the pain or apologise to it. He bends down gently to place a feather light kiss on those scrumptious lips, making sure not to wake him.

Dean moves down the bed gently, ready to rest his overrun head against the soft pillows- his own fatigue taking over. He's also not slept well in a long time. His nights being filled with worry and fear. He also has suffered sleepless nights, laying in their bed, missing Roman even though he lay there next to him. But Roman's kind of tiredness must be different Dean thought. A baby must be more exhausting than an insecure man's fears of being uprooted in the new family set up.

The baby.

He hasn't heard Joshua for a few hours now. That's not like him. Dean looks to the baby monitor. He can see the green lights on the set rising and falling- indicating the faintest of sounds. But no crying. Dean's looks to Roman. He feels a slight surge in anxiety, Joshua needs to be checked on, but he refuses to disturb Roman. Dean takes a deep breath and rises from the bed slowly. He pulls out clean boxers from the chest of drawers, the generous fit leads him to believe they're Roman's and not his. He opens the door slowly and makes his way down the short hall way to the nursery.

The room is illuminated by the moonlight, as well as the small night light situated in the corner of the small room. It covers the room in a warm glow. Dean cautiously moves towards the crib and looks in. Joshua is awake, hands and legs slowly moving, his eyes fixed to the ceiling at the various shades of colour and patterns which were created by the nightlight. Dean looks at him, he looks peaceful. Joshua then shifts his gaze to Dean and Dean finds himself frozen to the spot. The baby just looks at Dean for what feels like the longest time. And it makes Dean feel exposed, makes his heart beat speed up in his chest. He looks away quickly, feeling overwhelmed with the need to go back and tell Roman Joshua's awake. But he doesn't. Instead he takes a deep breath and finds himself slowly and gently reaching into the crib. He lifts up Joshua, a hand moves to hold his bottom, the other to support his little head- the way he seen Roman do it a hundred times. Pulling him in close, he moves towards the window.

Standing near the window the moonlight covers them both. Dean just holds Joshua in the crook of his neck feeling his tiny body move in his hands. He looks out into the tiny quite neighbourhood he and Roman moved to just before their marriage. It's peaceful under the veil of a beautiful dark sky littered with bright lights, which twinkle brightly around a full moon. Makes Dean smile. Makes him also think of those nights as a child where he'd look up into the sky whilst sitting on his mattress, wrapped in the tatty, dirty duvet- the only thing he had to keep him warm. Dean remembers how he use to wish for something better. Like a mum who cared. Who'd come to tuck him into bed, settle him when he had nightmares, keep all the monsters, real and imaginary away from his door. He wished for love. For a family.

The thoughts stir something in Dean as he brings Joshua up to look at him. Gently yet firmly holding the baby, Dean looks at him again. And for the first time- in the moonlit glow of the room- he truly sees Joshua. He sees Roman's eyes, bright, sparkling in the light of the moon. The pointy ears make Dean chuckle. _Yep, those are definitely Ro's_. And those lips, full and pink. He sees his Roman. And Dean again feels overwhelmed. But this time he can't fully explain how he feels. It's not the kind of feeling he's felt previously which nearly destroyed him. This feeling doesn't fill him with panic completely. It also gives him a sense of solace; one he'd only ever felt before with Roman. Dean can't put a name to it, all he knows is that he struggles to swallow around the lump in his throat whilst he feels a heavy sensation in his chest.

He draws Joshua back in tight to his chest. He sways him gently, his eyes closed, soaking up the calmness in the room, feeling Joshua's little movements stop and his breathing becoming softer.

Dean's eyes are heavy with sleep too, but he decides to stay just like this a bit longer, cradling Joshua whilst looking up at the beautiful night sky. Feeling it cover them both in its veil of tranquillity.

* * *

A/N: A big thank you to everyone who showed my first one-shot love. You have no idea how much it's appreciated. THANKS.

Didn't think I'd be writing again, let alone writing this soon. But I'm really enjoying it so why not?


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